July 2, 2020

The 4 Ways You May Be Emasculating Men

As we explore letting go of control, let us take a deeper dive into why we might emasculate men in the
first place. Last month we discussed how women need to feel loved in order to respect a man and on
the flip side, a man needs to feel respected in order to love and desire a woman. It feels like a vicious
cycle. If you are not feeling the type of connection and intimacy you desire from your man, you are likely
emasculating your man without knowing it.

When I first started exploring this idea it made sense conceptually; however, I wanted to learn more. I
wanted to know what things I was saying and doing that were emasculating to men. Where was I
criticizing and putting a man down as opposed to encouraging him and lifting him up. We know it’s
important to honor and respect our husbands, but what we don’t realize are the little things. The little
jabs and hooks we throw that no one talks about that are the culprits.

I want you to think about the following questions…

– Are you a strong, confident, independent woman who feels disconnected with your partner?
– Do You feel frustrated your partner isn’t meeting your needs?
– Do You struggle with communicating with your partner and feel he doesn’t hear you?
– Does he shut down and refuse to open-up to you?
– Do you end up feeling like you need to do everything yourself and question if he even finds you
attractive or desirable?

If you answered YES to any of these questions you are likely thinking, “Are you a fly on my wall?!” It is
likely that you are emasculating your man and don’t realize it. One of the keys to creating deeper
intimacy and connection with a man is to understand men and the polarity between men and women. If
you show up in a controlling, demanding or pressured way, you will not get the results you desire, and
you will push your man away. The key to igniting intimacy with your man is to own your sexuality,
surrender control and show up in your essence as a woman.

We must learn to be a strong, confident, whole women, but not at the expense of crushing our men.
The key is to stop emasculating men and provide more respect and appreciation. We must show up
differently to our relationships. When we correct these habits as women, the vicious cycle of love vs.
respect stops and the desire and connection between you and your partner can re-ignite.
There are four ways that we emasculate men without realizing it. Trust me some of these things are so
simple that we don’t even realize we are doing it, because we have been behaving this way all of our
lives. Our female role models have done these things too without realizing how it impacts our
relationships with men. I have created a resource that educates women on the four ways that we
emasculate men. If you are interested in learning more, I encourage you to sign up for my monthly
online membership and this month you will receive the resource “How to Stop Crushing the Man.”

Learn more by visiting our services page or contacting jen@thfreedomkeys.com.

July 2, 2020

Control and the Emasculation of Men

Last month we talked about Celebrating Masculinity and the impact that male relationships have had in
our lives and how we understand sexuality. This month we are going to dig a bit deeper. So many of us
want the type of romantic relationships we saw growing up as kids in fairy tales. The relationship where
we are swept off our feet, fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. Or as an adult, we crave the
deep intimacy we see on the Hallmark channel or in romantic movies where we feel the hot passion and
intense desire with the “man of our dreams.”

The truth is we desire connection and intimacy at our core. We have this hunger to be cherished,
treasured, loved and desired by a man. However, we don’t realize how embracing our sexuality, or not
embracing our sexuality, has a direct impact on whether we can achieve this deep intimate experience
we so desperately crave.

Do you want to know the #1 biggest thing that gets in the way of the intimacy we so crave? Control.
Our society has traditionally labeled character traits for boys and girls, and encouraged us as parents to
teach our kids what it means to be a “good girl” or “good boy.” However, the feminist movement has
inspired many women to change that mentality; stepping up to be strong, independent successful
women. We have been told we can do anything a boy can do, and at the same time, we have become
“too controlling” in our ways. With the desire to be strong, independent and confident, many women
have subconsciously put up blocks creating a false, inauthentic version of themselves without realizing
it.

I am not suggesting that women should not be strong and independent, they absolutely should.
However, I believe we have swayed too much to one side. It is not always about WHAT WE DO OR SAY,
it’s about HOW WE SHOW UP. In our efforts to DO MORE or overcome oppression in some ways, we
have lost a piece of ourselves.

When we are young and first in love, we show up different. We feel alive, passionate and on fire. There
is attraction, polarity and connection, which is a natural part of being a woman. As time goes on, this
attraction and connection can fade. With day to day life responsibilities, couples can tend to take each
other for granted and the spark that was once there seems to have diminished. Women are so busy
doing life that we just go through the motions at times. We become numb. There is no time for sex or
pleasure. It is more important to take care of our family, house, church, business or community. Women
are working themselves too hard striving to be successful, trying to keep it together and focusing on
serving and pleasing others rather than surrendering into the truest expression of themselves.
Women show up with an energy of having to DO IT ALL. We take it upon ourselves to be in control and
have forgotten how to surrender and let go. The truth is, in trying to maintain that control we end up
emasculating men more often than we realize. This need for control kills the connection with that
partner and “desire” in our relationships (as well as our orgasm). As a result, so many women live with
this feeling that SOMETHING IS MISSING, yet can’t put their finger on it. We don’t realize what is
underneath this hunger we so desperately crave. We are so busy focusing on our responsibilities that we
forget this deep hunger inside. We ignore it and show up in a way that emasculates rather than creates
connection with our partner.

When a woman learns to give up control and surrenders to the divine nature within her soul, she is filled
with more love and passion than she could have ever imagined. It is no longer about control,
responsibility or getting things done. She tunes into the essence of herself and feels with her body,
instead of thinks with her mind. When she learns how to respond versus react, and shows up with honor
and respect for her partner, she creates the connection and intimacy she so desperately desires.

June 2, 2020

Men and women ARE different! Understanding LOVE and RESPECT

In continuing with our theme of celebrating masculinity, I wanted to highlight something important that I think as women we tend to forget. We laugh and joke around about books like “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” or “Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti” and countless others. The truth is men and women ARE different. We can’t expect the men in our lives to behave and act like the women in our lives. They have had different programming, different experiences, and relate to their relationships in their own unique ways. It is unrealistic and gets us into trouble to expect them to be “like” us in these relationships.

When we learn to appreciate and understand masculinity and what makes a man tick, it brings a whole different dynamic to the relationship. In relationships, men and women need and want different things. They each have different needs and priorities. While men may put sex as higher importance on their relationship priority list than women may, I am NOT talking about sex being “the thing” of what makes a man tick. I am talking about Honor and Respect. If you want deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, the key is learning how to Respect him.

There is a wonderful book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs entitled, “Love and Respect.” According to the theories of Eggerichs, the love that she most desires and the respect he desperately needs causes pitfalls in relationships. The challenge in many relationships today is that we live in a vicious crazy cycle. Men want respect and women want love and neither party can effectively provide. However, a man can’t love a woman who doesn’t respect him. This is intuitive as you can imagine love can’t happen in ANY relationship where respect is not a foundation. And a woman can’t respect a man if she doesn’t feel loved and seen. If you didn’t have parents that modeled both love and respect in your household, it can be hard visualize this balance of needs. So what does respect look like to a man?
In the book, Dr. Eggerichs breaks out the needs of men and women into two different easy to remember categories. How to spell respect to your man, CHAIRS. How to spell love to your wife: COUPLE.

How to Spell Respect to your Husband:
Conquest: Appreciate his desire to work and achieve
Hierarchy: Appreciate his desire to protect and provide
Authority: Appreciate his desire to serve and lead
Insight: Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
Relationship: Appreciate his desire for Shoulder- to Shoulder Friendship
Sexuality: Appreciate his desire for Sexual Intimacy

How to Spell Love to your Wife:
Closeness: She wants you to be close
Openness: She wants you to open up to her
Understanding: Don’t try to fix her, just listen
Peacemaking: She wants you to say “I’m Sorry”
Loyalty: She wants to know your committed
Esteem: She wants you to honor and cherish her

As women, we know what it feels like to be LOVED. We crave this in our relationships and if we don’t feel loved from our partners, we can feel empty. When experience this empty feeling, and it can be hard to show respect our men. Once we are aware of the different needs, it makes it easier to take different actions in your relationship. If you really want to experience deeper levels of intimacy with your partner, it is critical that you understand your man’s basic needs. Rather than criticizing him for actions you can’t relate to, learn to appreciate and respect him for the man he is.

May 26, 2020

Celebrating Masculinity: Honoring our Relationships with Fathers, Brothers, Husbands and Sons

Last month we talked about Motherhood and Sexuality and how important it is to value your role as a woman, and not just a mom. This month in honor of Father’s Day we want to celebrate masculinity and the roles men play in our lives. Growing up we have both female and male influences in our lives who teach us directly and indirectly how to relate to others. Many people have grandfathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, teachers or coaches who have had a significant impact in shaping our lives. There are some people that may have had a greater influence on us than others, but the first male influence for most women is usually our dad.

Men can be complicated, just like women can. Sometimes they love and support us unconditionally and other times not so much. Ask anyone about their relationship with their dad or their husband and you may open a can of worms. Why is that? Because dads and husbands are human beings. They are not perfect. They didn’t get a rulebook on how to be a “Good Dad” or a “Good Husband” just like we didn’t get the rulebook on how to be a “Good Mom” or a “Good Wife.” One thing my dad used to always say to me is, “Jen…I do the best with what I know and as I grow and learn, I become a better man.” He would always continue to teach me new things as he became older and wiser.

Each one of us has different memories about the men in our lives. Some are happy positive memories that you treasure for a lifetime, while there are other memories that might not be so happy yet stick with us. Both types of examples create imprints in our life experience to help shape who we become. In addition, our dad’s directly and indirectly show us how to relate to others, especially when it comes to other men in our life. The way men treat their wives is the example they provide of how they believe a woman should be treated. Some men are great examples of how to treat women, whereas others are great examples of how not to treat a woman. Either way, each example is a lesson for us in how to relate to the men in our lives and develop happy, healthy relationships.

In the day to day grind, it’s so easy to talk about the things that drive us crazy about our dad’s, husband’s or any other man in life. Why is that? Let’s face it ladies, the real reason many do this is because as women we want things to be perfect. We want the perfect wedding, the perfect husband, the perfectly behaved child, the perfect house, the perfect birthday party etc… The list goes on. We so badly want things to be “right” and many times when things don’t go our definition of “right” we criticize, we put down, or we emasculate the men in our lives out of frustration. If no one taught us how to appreciate, love and respect the men in our lives, then how would we know how to do this? Men thrive when they feel honored, appreciated and respected. Just like you would!

What I have realized is that while I have many fond memories and lessons from the men in my life, sometimes my greatest lessons are the ones that came from the “not so good” experiences. The ones that were blessings in disguise wrapped in unexpected wrapping paper. Let’s take time this month to celebrate the men in our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly.